WRITTEN BY MAX
Holy hell it’s been a long time since I have written anything. Let’s get back to it with some Not New Movie Reviews.
Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol - You mean to tell me they have to go on the dodge and wreck cars in a sandstorm? Okay.
Bad Ass – Danny Trejo plays a ne’er-do-well. Delroy Lindo gets killed. Danny Trejo wears a baby blue shirt that says “I am a mother fucker.” Then probably fucks his neighbor and beats up some cops. No gut repelling, but still an easy watch.
Butter - I’m a happily dating man but I would ruin Olivia Wilde in this movie. She plays a foul mouthed, low rent stripper/hooker from Des Moines. Now I’m not some man about town, but I’m no Johnny-Come-Lately, either. I can tell you, empirically, there has never been a stripper/hooker from Des Moines that ever looked like Olivia Wilde’s character. But this isn’t the main problem I had with this movie.
This little girl who sculpts the shit out of some butter rides her bike through a corn field to the Iowa State Fair. That’s cute. But let me tell you what really would have happened. First of all, there isn’t a cornfield the likes of the one she rides through within ten miles of the State Fairgrounds. I know this because I worked just over the hill at Des Moine’s only ski resort, and I know the area. So this little girl rode, at a minimum, 20 miles on her bike to get to the Fair. Second, if she rode her bike to the Fair she either had to ride it straight up a hill that people ski on and risk getting killed by a bus or a dualie, or ride it down the busy four lane University Avenue, where all the creeps hang out and wait for the bus. Third, I hope she brought a bike chain and $8 bucks because she isn’t getting in without $8. And they wouldn’t let her take her bike in, because there is like 125,000 people at the Fair every day and there wouldn’t be any room for her to ride her bike. Fourth, they didn’t have any pictures of the sweet East Side people who stand in their yards and call people in with brightly colored sticks, missing teeth, and Billie Beth in a bikini. Park here for $5 they say. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this girl but if you have ever been to the Fair you have seen the East Sider’s callin’ ‘em in. Then, I’m supposed to believe that this little girl’s bike is still there with the type of trash floating around the outside of the Fair, and that she then rode it up that huge hill out of town ten miles to some place? Come on, son.
But yeah, Olivia Wilde.
Pitch Perfect - Nothing is more douchey than some asshole in a shitty glee club who think’s he’s Christ’s gift to everyone. There’s three people I want to punch in the face because they are little bitches: Chris Brown, Justin Bieber, and every douchey faggot in a glee club who thinks he’s Charlie Bronson’s gift to cunt.
I’m to the point in my life where faggot doesn’t mean gay or homosexual anymore. One of my roommates from college is a man who happens to be gay. So what. But, see that guy giving your sister the deep lean-in? The one with the stupid Ed Hardy design on his polo shirt and the popped collar and the ‘swinging truck nuts’ hanging from his 4-cylinder Mustang? He’s a faggot. See the difference? Can I get a ruling on this? Anyway, watch this movie if you like a cute and funny white girl; a thick and funny white girl, and a douche bag who gets his comeuppance.
Trouble With The Curve - I can watch Clint Eastwood swear all day long and Amy Adams likes to prance in her underwear almost as much as Rachel McAdams. But this movie is so formulaic. Even Matthew Lillard couldn’t save this plot-by-numbers snoozefest. I bet you never thought you would read that line, ever.
Skyfall – Well I really liked this dark installment. Bardem is a boss. I like when his face is all messed up from meth….er….cyanide. Well anyway, now all the bad guys are dead. See you in a couple year, Bond. Next time try not to kill the tits, eh fellas?
The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Pretty sure the quiet kid gets to bang Hermione in this one. He goes off the deep end, but then if I was 16 and Hermione kept dangling her sex in front of me I’d probably break my wand, too. It’s worth a watch, but not if you had a bad day. All’s well that ends well, I guess.
Mr. Fix It – Booth from Bones plays a poor man’s Dane Cook in this low budget but medium income rom-com. It’s pretty real life, and the asides are awesome. It’s a pretty easy movie to rent if you want to put movies on your lady friend and not worry about missing anything. And, I guess if she’s ragging you can just watch the movie. It’s decent.
Argo – This is a great movie. If you haven’t watched it, you’re probably a faggot. Take the swinging truck nuts off your Mustang, cut your hair and smooth your collar.
This Is 40 – Man, after I watched this the last thing I want to do is turn 40, or have awful kids. But my big question is, how the hell did Leslie Man show her tits in this show like three times and Megan Fox only gets down to underwear? Where’s the justice? They could rename this Getting Old Is Awful, Go Kill Yourself. At least it would have been accurate then.
Gangster Squad – I love Baby Goose, but save yourself the money and just go watch Untouchables and Drive back-to-back. It’s a way better use of your time.
Silver Linings Playbook – If I had to list my five celebrity free fucks like couples are wont to do, Jennifer Lawrence might be on there twice. Oh, the movies pretty good, too.
Dark Shadows – This was a stupid, stupid movie. But, it had that hot chick from James Bond in it, Viper or whatever her name was, I didn’t care to look. Johnny Depp basically plays himself and, oh, look. There’s Helena Bonham Crazy acting like she’s never seen a fucking comb. You can do better, Hollywood.
The Raven – Cusack plays a poor man’s Nic Cage in this predictable whatever it is. Here’s something they never covered in the movie. Wasn’t Poe fucking his cousin? I’m pretty sure he was fucking his cousin. All’s well that ends well, I guess. No, that’s not right. Good things come to those who wait? No. When in Rome? Maybe. How about, you get what you pay for. Yep, that’s the ticket.
The Campaign – I genuinely loled a few times, but it’s pretty over the top and basically, it angered me because I just expect most of the politicians are basically versions of these characters and they all need to take the nuts off their ‘Stang, to use the phrase. Worth a watch, though.
Safety Not Guaranteed – This was the best of the batch. I found this funny, I found it touching, and I was genuinely surprised by the ending. Good work, indie fuckwads, for finally putting together a good indie flick.
Snow White and the Huntsman – What a stupid movie. If you are going to make a movie that bad, and tease us with a naked Theron, then give us the naked Theron. TOGTFO. Do yourself a favor, and go watch nothing for two hours. Fuck, even Twilight was better than this sad sack of shit movie.
Haywire – It’s not going to change the world or anything, but it was totally worth the watch. C-Tates, hot chick, other guy. Not a bad way to wile away an afternoon.
Well, that’s about it for now. I’ve watched a few others but they were so bad I can’t remember. I did go see the newer Gatsby this weekend. Not bad. Depressing, but well done. I’d have a hard time buying Carrie Mulligan as a sex pot heiress in any decade other than the 1920s. Wait for the rental, though. It’s not worth full price.